From the Shelter - February 26th

"Unresolved anger is often the hidden source of low self-esteem." Bill Bartow

"Hidden anger can kill me. I must recognize it and address it." Earnie Larsen and Carol Hegarty

I think over the last ten years I have lost my ability to feel anger. Anger is, at its base, hurt. The famous saying is that, "Anger is hurt turned outward; depression is hurt turned inward." I don't think I've actually been angry since I left, except for two times. The rest of the time I have felt depressed, anxious, scared, sad, or guilty - mostly guilty.

I guess that's no surprise after ten years of putting my husband first, I would have guilt over putting my and the kids' needs first.

The first time I felt anger was when I was writing at the end of one day. He had been to therapy and told me that it went well, that they talked about his childhood and that the therapist was the first person to tell him that his mom was a bad mom (nevermind that I have been telling him this for years!).

It didn't hit me until I wrote about it that I was really pissed that he had spent that time talking about his childhood instead of the fact that the kids and I are living in a shelter because he refused to move out - that he was continuing to let us live there without even considering that it might be better for his kids to be in their home and maybe he could move out.

I couldn't believe this idea hadn't come up during therapy.

The second time was when I realized that he had been overspending our income to such a degree that with the exception of the brokerage account, all of our money was gone. I couldn't even get half the tax refund because he had overdrawn our account. He is, and has been, in complete control of the finances and other than groceries and gas, I get $100 spending money.

He has bought a trailer at the hunting lodge, plus furniture and a generator. He has paid hunting lodge fees. He has bought a crossbow, guns, and tons of other hunting paraphenalia. He bought a boat and a pop-up camper we don't even use. He traded his bike for a jeep plus some money (he claims $500), but has put tons of money into modifying it, just like his SUV, as we go deeper and deeper into the hole. I felt angry that he was pissing away our money when my son's car was broken down (and he said we couldn't afford to fix it) and the girls' have no college fund. I need to find a way to replace all this guilt with more of the anger that is deserved. Maybe then I could break free.