When I started this blog, back in December of last year, I intended for it to be a journal of my path to a simpler, slower, more joyful life. And in a way it will be. Just not in the way I intended.
I have since removed my previous posts to, in effect, start over. Just like in real life.
I left my husband on February 17th and went to a domestic violence shelter with my children. My husband was not physically violent, but his verbal and emotional abuse towards myself and my son was escalating at an alarming rate, and he had started to become abusive towards our two youngest as well.
The night before we left, I went to dinner with my brother, and while I was away, he got into a verbal altercation with my 17yo son (not his biological child). Please understand that my son is the most passive boy you'll ever meet. He doesn't normally ever talk back to my husband, which usually keeps things from escalating. But on this particular night, his girlfriend was over. While my son might not be strong enough to stand up for himself, he is very protective of his girlfriend. He knew she was terrified by my husband's behavior and asked him to lower his voice.
That was all it took. I won't go into all the details, but my son was visibly shaking during the encounter and asked to call me and the police. By the time, I got home, my son told me he couldn't live in the house anymore.
Having been on the same side of that level of verbal abuse, I knew that it was time to go. Honestly, I had been ready to go for probably 2 years, but every time I tried to make plans, my son had begged me to stay.
I can honestly say that leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We lived in a shelter for a month, and after I got a temp job through April, were able to move into an apartment.
Right now we are sleeping on mattresses on the floor. We need a table and chairs to eat dinner and work on homework. The kids want their furniture. I'd like my bookcase and the queen size mattress in the attic. For us this will be enough.
I hope that we are on our way to a simple, slow, more joyful life. My husband hopes to reconcile, but in the 5 weeks we have been gone, he hasn't demonstrated much change. He will say the right things in front of the counselor, but change his tune when we are alone.
He refused to move out and let us have the house, even though he claims that his children's emotional health was what is most important to him. He refuses to pay child support or go to mediation (or even discuss a financial agreement with the counselor). He claims we can work it out between us, but his version of an agreement is not acceptable to me, and he won't agree to my changes.
He says if he has to move out or pay child support, we will get a divorce. I let him stay in the house, but I have to get financial support. My temp job only lasts through April, after which I won't have very much income.
I have an appointment with a lawyer next Wednesday, the day after our counseling appointment. If he doesn't agree to go to the lawyer with me, I am filing for divorce, and if he contests the temporary agreement, I'm filing for divorce.
I started a Divorce Care class last night. One of the suggestions for decreasing your emotional stress is to limit contact with your ex. Hard to do if you are supposed to be working on a reconciliation. But, I am going to beg off of spending time together this weekend with the "I need to move my stuff" excuse, then discuss us taking some time to be alone while he goes through anger management.
I do hope that by writing this, I can at least provide comfort to women living with or leaving their emotionally/verbally abusive husbands. It is nice to know you aren't alone, but even better to hear that you aren't a bad person to leave. No matter what, I can't believe God would want me or my children treated this way. The effects of the last ten years will last a long time.
I'm going to post some journal entries I wrote during my time at the shelter. We didn't have internet access then. I hope they help someone.
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