From the Shelter - February 27th

Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see,
Thinks what ne'er was, nor is, nor shall be.
-Alexander Pope

Moving is Hard

Today, I came to work late, because the girls had therapy this morning, then I decorated my son's girlfriend's car for her birthday:

So now I have to work late. But later, I have got to move. My husband will be home (I assume) since it is his night with the girls, but it is one of the few times I can work unencumbered on getting everything moved in and put away.

Unclutterer.com just published a great article on moving that I am going to try to use as a guide:
Moving: The Art of Unpacking

A lot of my personal stuff is in a storage shed, but all of the furniture and more personal stuff is in the kids' rooms and attic, so I will be making a trip there. It is hard to put stuff away when you don't have furniture or hangers.

I'm trying to get this done so that if he gets really angry after the counseling/lawyer appointments, I can cut off contact between the two of us.

From the Shelter - February 26th

"Unresolved anger is often the hidden source of low self-esteem." Bill Bartow

"Hidden anger can kill me. I must recognize it and address it." Earnie Larsen and Carol Hegarty

I think over the last ten years I have lost my ability to feel anger. Anger is, at its base, hurt. The famous saying is that, "Anger is hurt turned outward; depression is hurt turned inward." I don't think I've actually been angry since I left, except for two times. The rest of the time I have felt depressed, anxious, scared, sad, or guilty - mostly guilty.

I guess that's no surprise after ten years of putting my husband first, I would have guilt over putting my and the kids' needs first.

The first time I felt anger was when I was writing at the end of one day. He had been to therapy and told me that it went well, that they talked about his childhood and that the therapist was the first person to tell him that his mom was a bad mom (nevermind that I have been telling him this for years!).

It didn't hit me until I wrote about it that I was really pissed that he had spent that time talking about his childhood instead of the fact that the kids and I are living in a shelter because he refused to move out - that he was continuing to let us live there without even considering that it might be better for his kids to be in their home and maybe he could move out.

I couldn't believe this idea hadn't come up during therapy.

The second time was when I realized that he had been overspending our income to such a degree that with the exception of the brokerage account, all of our money was gone. I couldn't even get half the tax refund because he had overdrawn our account. He is, and has been, in complete control of the finances and other than groceries and gas, I get $100 spending money.

He has bought a trailer at the hunting lodge, plus furniture and a generator. He has paid hunting lodge fees. He has bought a crossbow, guns, and tons of other hunting paraphenalia. He bought a boat and a pop-up camper we don't even use. He traded his bike for a jeep plus some money (he claims $500), but has put tons of money into modifying it, just like his SUV, as we go deeper and deeper into the hole. I felt angry that he was pissing away our money when my son's car was broken down (and he said we couldn't afford to fix it) and the girls' have no college fund. I need to find a way to replace all this guilt with more of the anger that is deserved. Maybe then I could break free.

From the Shelter - February 22nd

I just realized that I am doing the same thing with T that I did with R (oldest's birth dad). I cannot make T be a good dad. I can only help my children deal with their dad's issues.

Changing Courses

When I started this blog, back in December of last year, I intended for it to be a journal of my path to a simpler, slower, more joyful life. And in a way it will be. Just not in the way I intended.

I have since removed my previous posts to, in effect, start over. Just like in real life.

I left my husband on February 17th and went to a domestic violence shelter with my children. My husband was not physically violent, but his verbal and emotional abuse towards myself and my son was escalating at an alarming rate, and he had started to become abusive towards our two youngest as well.

The night before we left, I went to dinner with my brother, and while I was away, he got into a verbal altercation with my 17yo son (not his biological child). Please understand that my son is the most passive boy you'll ever meet. He doesn't normally ever talk back to my husband, which usually keeps things from escalating. But on this particular night, his girlfriend was over. While my son might not be strong enough to stand up for himself, he is very protective of his girlfriend. He knew she was terrified by my husband's behavior and asked him to lower his voice.

That was all it took. I won't go into all the details, but my son was visibly shaking during the encounter and asked to call me and the police. By the time, I got home, my son told me he couldn't live in the house anymore.

Having been on the same side of that level of verbal abuse, I knew that it was time to go. Honestly, I had been ready to go for probably 2 years, but every time I tried to make plans, my son had begged me to stay.

I can honestly say that leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We lived in a shelter for a month, and after I got a temp job through April, were able to move into an apartment.

Right now we are sleeping on mattresses on the floor. We need a table and chairs to eat dinner and work on homework. The kids want their furniture. I'd like my bookcase and the queen size mattress in the attic. For us this will be enough.

I hope that we are on our way to a simple, slow, more joyful life. My husband hopes to reconcile, but in the 5 weeks we have been gone, he hasn't demonstrated much change. He will say the right things in front of the counselor, but change his tune when we are alone.

He refused to move out and let us have the house, even though he claims that his children's emotional health was what is most important to him. He refuses to pay child support or go to mediation (or even discuss a financial agreement with the counselor). He claims we can work it out between us, but his version of an agreement is not acceptable to me, and he won't agree to my changes.

He says if he has to move out or pay child support, we will get a divorce. I let him stay in the house, but I have to get financial support. My temp job only lasts through April, after which I won't have very much income.

I have an appointment with a lawyer next Wednesday, the day after our counseling appointment. If he doesn't agree to go to the lawyer with me, I am filing for divorce, and if he contests the temporary agreement, I'm filing for divorce.

I started a Divorce Care class last night. One of the suggestions for decreasing your emotional stress is to limit contact with your ex. Hard to do if you are supposed to be working on a reconciliation. But, I am going to beg off of spending time together this weekend with the "I need to move my stuff" excuse, then discuss us taking some time to be alone while he goes through anger management.

I do hope that by writing this, I can at least provide comfort to women living with or leaving their emotionally/verbally abusive husbands. It is nice to know you aren't alone, but even better to hear that you aren't a bad person to leave. No matter what, I can't believe God would want me or my children treated this way. The effects of the last ten years will last a long time.

I'm going to post some journal entries I wrote during my time at the shelter. We didn't have internet access then. I hope they help someone.